Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
(By Gerry Wang)

AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME
(Mike Meyers, Heather Graham,
by Gerry Wang

   

     I made a huge mistake in watching AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME. No, I don't mean that I should've never watched it. You see, today, I moved out of my beloved dorm, and disconnected from the network forever. Sigh.

    This was the same dorm I lived in for 2 years. My name is tagged all over the walls. My ass has sat on the same white throne for 2 years, ruling my kingdom in the bathroom. I've slept on the same bed for 2 years. It has been molded to fit every contour of my body. But now, it is long gone. A thing of the past, and I'm gonna miss it. I'm gonna miss all my friends I made. My old roomies...... my bitches...... my favorite card swiper.....my free cable TV..... my ethernet..... I'm gonna miss the easy access all-you-can-eat dorm food. F*ck me I gotta cook for myself next year. Someone kill me.

    So it was with wistful, nostalgic, forlorn solemness that I went to go watch AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME. We all know this is a comedy. Somehow, I just wasn't in the mood for a comedy. But I went to go watch it anyways, hoping that it will rekindle in me a zest for life in this dire, sorrowful time. I was hoping that AUSTIN POWERS: TSWSM would be so riotous that all my troubles melted away when I was watching it, and when I came out of the theater I'd launch into my Dr. Evil impression. Mag-ma (suck on pinky).

    But I didn't. And I feel terrible about it. Because if AP: TSWSM came out a week later, I probably would've enjoyed it more. I think my sadness at leaving the dorms overwhelmed my capability to have fun. When I came home, the first thing I did was set up my computer, only to see that I couldn't get onto the Net w/ a click of the button anymore. Life won't be the same....

    Sorry for subjecting you guys to my little spiel. But I know all of you guys will feel the same way when you have to move into an apartment and hence be responsible for little trivial crap like cleaning the bathroom and paying the utilities and washing the dishes. We will all become neutered housewives.

    Ok, I'm resuming this review after going to sleep, and some of my sadness has worn off. I'm not as dormsick anymore. Now I'm going to think about the movie in an objective perspective...... No, I still can't say it was good. It was average. And no way in hell did it live up to the original.

    AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED has a really strange, ridiculous premise. Not only does it not make any plausible sense, it tells us to forget about these plot holes. Literally! It's basically just Dr. Evil travelling back in time steal Austin's mojo (the Force, except in terms on hornyness and a raging libido). Since you know, it is due to Austin's tremendous mojo that he is always able to foil Dr. Evil's plans for world domination. Ha ha, yeah right. This time around, the story just didn't draw me in. It was more of a stupid spectacle. But I guess they had to throw in the mojo thing because it carries the movie's moral message. Sorta like believing magic sneakers that help you play ball better, but really it all was from your own natural abilities. Somehow, I don't think Austin Powers is a good substitute for Aesop. Ugh.

    AP: TSWSM was basically a rehash of the same formula that AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY so cleverly employed. Except to make to "better," they turned it up 400 degrees and it ended up just hittin you in the face over and over with the same tired gags that we loved in the original. Damn I was so disappointed. There was nothing too fresh and original in this sequel, and although I realize that sequel are supposed to at least retain some semblance of its predecessors, AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME just overdid it.

    There were too many musical numbers. Right from the beginning. I usually like musical numbers, and AUSTIN POWERS has really hilarious ones. But damn, this time they lasted too long and there were far too many of them. There were also too many gross out jokes. Like they felt it was necessary to raise the amount exponentially when trying to outdo the original. What it ended up conveying was a "been-there-done-that" feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an AUSTIN POWERS hater. The original was one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. I literally rolled on the floor laughing, since I leaned too far back.

    What was so funny about the original was that Austin was a fish out of water. He was a horny, unhygienic bastard from the 60's Swingers era stuck in the prudish, PC 90's. It was funny seeing the culture clash. But here, in THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME, they barely touched on how the 90's would seem out of place in the 60's. They only had lame ass jokes like, "100 billion dollars? There isn't even that much money in circulation right now [in the 60's]." LAME!!!!

    I also didn't appreciate the over-the-top acting too much. Austin Powers was the same horny pervert as usual, but this time there was too much frantic gesticulating and not enough jokes. Dr. Evil was the same awesome character, but even he got on my nerves. The Jerry Springer scenes just totally rubbed me the wrong way. Seth Green, as Scott, also seemed like he was desperately trying to annoy the audience. Nothing nearly as funny as the original.

    But 2 characters earn the brunt of my absolute hatred. Fat Bastard was just hideous, as well see his freakin nasty body. The way he ate and the way he drooled just made me sick. Sometimes I had to avert my eyes. That's how bad it was. That Frau character was also screechingly irritating. Her ugly face and shrill voice got so much air time. I don't understand. Her character is basically a lesbian that turns out to have an affair w/ Dr. Evil. That's all. But f*ck, they let her count down from 30!!!! In that fingernails across the chalk-board voice.

    I was also tremendously peeved at the blatant displaying of its sponsors. Starbucks, Heineken, AOL, VW Bugs......... we can easily name the products they're hawking. Trust me, they know they are blatantly doing product placement. They think the more obvious it is, the more funny. But no, it pissed me off because I hate how movies sell out to the corporations. Yes, I don't even like this dearth of THE PHANTOM MENACE stuff. Toys are cool. Fast food is ok, to a certain extent. But must we see a commercial for its merchandise every 5 minutes on TV? That f*cking Pepsi alien is atrocious. And I hate the goddamn Colonel and Chihuahua. Darth Maul oughta skewer those two retarded marketing ploys. F*cking idiots.

    Well, back to AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME, baby! Yeah! Oh behave.........

    The movie did have its awesome moments that even surpassed the original. My favorite new gag was the character of Mini-Me. It just oozes creative genius. The mere site of a little itty bitty Dr. Evil clone emulating the original was enough for me to chuckle. And when they do a little synchronized dance, I found myself giggling uncontrollably. Unfortunately, this humor wasn't consistent throughout the movie. This was one of the few times they didn't try too hard to beat the first AUSTIN POWERS.

    I also loved the whole bit involving different terms for the male genitalia. That was a cool part. This was something fresh and something we've never seen before, and perfectly captured the essence of the AUSTIN POWERS franchise. I also loved the cool James Bondesque nameplay of the characters. Ivana Humpalot, Felicity Shagwell, Robin Swallows...... heh heh, that's smart stuff. Oooh, and there's a awesome scene involving Austin's asshole. Watch for it. I snorted up mucus laughing at that scene. Damn.... all these cool new gags......Why the hell didn't they just chill out and try to give us a good movie w/ a good plot?

    But overall, you just can't get mad at Mike Meyers and crew. They tried very hard, and a lot of effort was put into this production. The choreography was good. The performances were great. Everyone was into their role. Mike Meyers stood out as a true comic genius. How many other people can play so many characters in the same movie? Probably only Eddie Murphy. Dr. Evil remains one of the most ridiculous villains ever in movie history. Austin Powers remains the horny idiot we've all grown to love. And now there's Fat Bastard, whom most peopel didn't recognize as Mike Meyers until the credits. He disappears into his roles. He rocks.

    Heather Graham was also very hot-looking. Better than she looked as Rollergirl in BOOGIE NIGHTS. The chicks in this movie were pretty damn good. At least they got one part of the spy flick spoof right. James Bond always shagged hot babes. And this time around, Austin isn't frowned upon for his promiscuity. His mojo is let out in full force. But after a while it just wore thin. We needed something smarter than crude bathroom jokes. Man I was so disappointed.

    But I wanna repeat that Mini-Me will go down as one of the coolest characters ever created. Is it me, or do all midgets make you laugh? Willow was freakin funny.... Mickey on SEINFELD was funny too...... remember that midget in MARRIED W/ CHILDREN who got out of San Quentin? That was hilarious too. Heh heh heh. Puny little midgets! Btw, I'm like 5'10"-5'11" so I shouldn't be talking. I'm a midget to some people too.

    So, to conclude, watch AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME as a solitary movie. Don't compare it to the original, because you'll get bored quicker. Wait for the funny gags. They are priceless. Mini-Me is priceless. You'll want a Mini-Me doll. Mini-Me! Mini-Me!

**/4
Babe-o-meter: 4 - Greek Goddesses (A LOT of hot chicks. Heather Graham, Liz Hurley, Rebecca Romijin-Stamos....... oh man......... I'm gonna bust a nut)