Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME
(Mike Meyers, Heather Graham,
by Gerry Wang
I made a huge mistake
in watching AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME. No, I don't mean that I should've never
watched it. You see, today, I moved out of my beloved dorm, and disconnected from the
network forever. Sigh.
This was the same dorm I lived in for 2 years. My name is tagged all
over the walls. My ass has sat on the same white throne for 2 years, ruling my kingdom in
the bathroom. I've slept on the same bed for 2 years. It has been molded to fit every
contour of my body. But now, it is long gone. A thing of the past, and I'm gonna miss it.
I'm gonna miss all my friends I made. My old roomies...... my bitches...... my favorite
card swiper.....my free cable TV..... my ethernet..... I'm gonna miss the easy access
all-you-can-eat dorm food. F*ck me I gotta cook for myself next year. Someone kill me.
So it was with wistful, nostalgic, forlorn solemness that I went to go
watch AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME. We all know this is a comedy. Somehow, I just
wasn't in the mood for a comedy. But I went to go watch it anyways, hoping that it will
rekindle in me a zest for life in this dire, sorrowful time. I was hoping that AUSTIN
POWERS: TSWSM would be so riotous that all my troubles melted away when I was watching it,
and when I came out of the theater I'd launch into my Dr. Evil impression. Mag-ma (suck on
But I didn't. And I feel terrible about it. Because if AP: TSWSM came
out a week later, I probably would've enjoyed it more. I think my sadness at leaving the
dorms overwhelmed my capability to have fun. When I came home, the first thing I did was
set up my computer, only to see that I couldn't get onto the Net w/ a click of the button
anymore. Life won't be the same....
Sorry for subjecting you guys to my little spiel. But I know all of you
guys will feel the same way when you have to move into an apartment and hence be
responsible for little trivial crap like cleaning the bathroom and paying the utilities
and washing the dishes. We will all become neutered housewives.
Ok, I'm resuming this review after going to sleep, and some of my
sadness has worn off. I'm not as dormsick anymore. Now I'm going to think about the movie
in an objective perspective...... No, I still can't say it was good. It was average. And
no way in hell did it live up to the original.
AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED has a really strange, ridiculous
premise. Not only does it not make any plausible sense, it tells us to forget about these
plot holes. Literally! It's basically just Dr. Evil travelling back in time steal Austin's
mojo (the Force, except in terms on hornyness and a raging libido). Since you know, it is
due to Austin's tremendous mojo that he is always able to foil Dr. Evil's plans for world
domination. Ha ha, yeah right. This time around, the story just didn't draw me in. It was
more of a stupid spectacle. But I guess they had to throw in the mojo thing because it
carries the movie's moral message. Sorta like believing magic sneakers that help you play
ball better, but really it all was from your own natural abilities. Somehow, I don't think
Austin Powers is a good substitute for Aesop. Ugh.
AP: TSWSM was basically a rehash of the same formula that AUSTIN
POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY so cleverly employed. Except to make to
"better," they turned it up 400 degrees and it ended up just hittin you in the
face over and over with the same tired gags that we loved in the original. Damn I was so
disappointed. There was nothing too fresh and original in this sequel, and although I
realize that sequel are supposed to at least retain some semblance of its predecessors,
AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME just overdid it.
There were too many musical numbers. Right from the beginning. I
usually like musical numbers, and AUSTIN POWERS has really hilarious ones. But damn, this
time they lasted too long and there were far too many of them. There were also too many
gross out jokes. Like they felt it was necessary to raise the amount exponentially when
trying to outdo the original. What it ended up conveying was a
"been-there-done-that" feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an AUSTIN POWERS
hater. The original was one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. I literally rolled on
the floor laughing, since I leaned too far back.
What was so funny about the original was that Austin was a fish out of
water. He was a horny, unhygienic bastard from the 60's Swingers era stuck in the prudish,
PC 90's. It was funny seeing the culture clash. But here, in THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME, they
barely touched on how the 90's would seem out of place in the 60's. They only had lame ass
jokes like, "100 billion dollars? There isn't even that much money in circulation
right now [in the 60's]." LAME!!!!
I also didn't appreciate the over-the-top acting too much. Austin
Powers was the same horny pervert as usual, but this time there was too much frantic
gesticulating and not enough jokes. Dr. Evil was the same awesome character, but even he
got on my nerves. The Jerry Springer scenes just totally rubbed me the wrong way. Seth
Green, as Scott, also seemed like he was desperately trying to annoy the audience. Nothing
nearly as funny as the original.
But 2 characters earn the brunt of my absolute hatred. Fat Bastard was
just hideous, as well see his freakin nasty body. The way he ate and the way he drooled
just made me sick. Sometimes I had to avert my eyes. That's how bad it was. That Frau
character was also screechingly irritating. Her ugly face and shrill voice got so much air
time. I don't understand. Her character is basically a lesbian that turns out to have an
affair w/ Dr. Evil. That's all. But f*ck, they let her count down from 30!!!! In that
fingernails across the chalk-board voice.
I was also tremendously peeved at the blatant displaying of its
sponsors. Starbucks, Heineken, AOL, VW Bugs......... we can easily name the products
they're hawking. Trust me, they know they are blatantly doing product placement. They
think the more obvious it is, the more funny. But no, it pissed me off because I hate how
movies sell out to the corporations. Yes, I don't even like this dearth of THE PHANTOM
MENACE stuff. Toys are cool. Fast food is ok, to a certain extent. But must we see a
commercial for its merchandise every 5 minutes on TV? That f*cking Pepsi alien is
atrocious. And I hate the goddamn Colonel and Chihuahua. Darth Maul oughta skewer those
two retarded marketing ploys. F*cking idiots.
Well, back to AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME, baby! Yeah! Oh
The movie did have its awesome moments that even surpassed the
original. My favorite new gag was the character of Mini-Me. It just oozes creative genius.
The mere site of a little itty bitty Dr. Evil clone emulating the original was enough for
me to chuckle. And when they do a little synchronized dance, I found myself giggling
uncontrollably. Unfortunately, this humor wasn't consistent throughout the movie. This was
one of the few times they didn't try too hard to beat the first AUSTIN POWERS.
I also loved the whole bit involving different terms for the male
genitalia. That was a cool part. This was something fresh and something we've never seen
before, and perfectly captured the essence of the AUSTIN POWERS franchise. I also loved
the cool James Bondesque nameplay of the characters. Ivana Humpalot, Felicity Shagwell,
Robin Swallows...... heh heh, that's smart stuff. Oooh, and there's a awesome scene
involving Austin's asshole. Watch for it. I snorted up mucus laughing at that scene.
Damn.... all these cool new gags......Why the hell didn't they just chill out and try to
give us a good movie w/ a good plot?
But overall, you just can't get mad at Mike Meyers and crew. They tried
very hard, and a lot of effort was put into this production. The choreography was good.
The performances were great. Everyone was into their role. Mike Meyers stood out as a true
comic genius. How many other people can play so many characters in the same movie?
Probably only Eddie Murphy. Dr. Evil remains one of the most ridiculous villains ever in
movie history. Austin Powers remains the horny idiot we've all grown to love. And now
there's Fat Bastard, whom most peopel didn't recognize as Mike Meyers until the credits.
He disappears into his roles. He rocks.
Heather Graham was also very hot-looking. Better than she looked as
Rollergirl in BOOGIE NIGHTS. The chicks in this movie were pretty damn good. At least they
got one part of the spy flick spoof right. James Bond always shagged hot babes. And this
time around, Austin isn't frowned upon for his promiscuity. His mojo is let out in full
force. But after a while it just wore thin. We needed something smarter than crude
bathroom jokes. Man I was so disappointed.
But I wanna repeat that Mini-Me will go down as one of the coolest
characters ever created. Is it me, or do all midgets make you laugh? Willow was freakin
funny.... Mickey on SEINFELD was funny too...... remember that midget in MARRIED W/
CHILDREN who got out of San Quentin? That was hilarious too. Heh heh heh. Puny little
midgets! Btw, I'm like 5'10"-5'11" so I shouldn't be talking. I'm a midget to
some people too.
So, to conclude, watch AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME as a
solitary movie. Don't compare it to the original, because you'll get bored quicker. Wait
for the funny gags. They are priceless. Mini-Me is priceless. You'll want a Mini-Me doll.
Babe-o-meter: 4 - Greek Goddesses (A LOT of hot chicks. Heather Graham, Liz Hurley,
Rebecca Romijin-Stamos....... oh man......... I'm gonna bust a nut)