GERRY'S DREAM COAXIAL LINE-UP
by Gerry Wang

_____I know you guys are busy as hell getting worked to the bone by your high school teachers. So you probably don't get to spend much time in front of the tube, except for sports. However, me being the lazy college dude, I watch aplenty of television, so I will recommend some shows for you potential graduates who will all of a sudden find yourselves with a lot of free time after high school. So here's a run down of the best shows, in my opinion, on TV.

CARTOONS
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1.) THE SIMPSONS (Sundays 8PM, Fox)- The funniest animated sitcom ever, The Simpsons never seem to have an episode w/o laughs. The writing for the show is caustic and satirical, which is what makes this show click with the funny bone.

2.) PINKY & THE BRAIN (Weekdays 3PM, WB)- The chemistry between these two lab mice is absolutely hilarious. I love Brain's hellbent determination at conquering the earth w/ some hairball scheme, and I love Pinky's airheaded gesticulations and ravings. I laugh till I cry sometimes when I watch.

3.) ANIMANIACS (Weekdays 2:30PM, WB)- More oriented towards little kids, but chock-full of jokes and allegories only grown-ups can understand. The best episode was the spoof of The Power Rangers. Runner-up has to be the Michelangelo/Sistine Chapel episode.

4.) HISTERIA (Weekdays 3:30PM, WB)- Finally, a cartoon that educates you as well as entertains you. Each episode takes a chapter out of history, and puts a humorous spin on it, while keeping the facts intact and teaching the kids. A great show. The best episode was the Seinfeldian re-enactment of the Civil War, w/ George (Costanza) being General George McClellan.

5.) KING OF THE HILL (Tuesdays 8PM, Fox)- This show is like The Truman Show. It almost feels as if we're watching real people in their everyday lives. This is how authentic King of the Hill feels in its portrayal of Texas' redneck suburbia. The characters feel realistic, and Hank is an excellent example of the average American. Witness this conversation between Hank and his wife Peggy in the Thanksgiving episode, where Hank's divorced parents come to dinner, and Hank's sour ol' father keeps bagging on Hank's mom:

_____PEGGY: "Hank, you defended Troy Aikman more than you defended your mom!"
_____HANK: "6 dropped passes, Peggy, all Troy can do is get it there." (skirting the subject)

6.) SOUTH PARK (Wednesdays 10PM, Comedy Central)- These 4 raunchy little kids provide loads of entertainment as they innocently get into shenanigans and observe society. My favorite character is Cartman, the obese grouchy kid, whose screeching voice alone makes me crack up. And lovable little Kenny gets a gruesome death in each episode, that poor kid. While this show started off with a bang, the shows of late have been less than overwhelming. The best episode is the pilot, involving an alien anal probe.

SITCOMS
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1.) SEINFELD (syndicated)- Although off the air, Seinfeld will live on forever in repeats, which are still better than any of the crap the networks put out these days. The quirky nuances of each cast member will never be duplicated, and will never be forgotten. Definitely the best comedy of all time.

2.) MARRIED W/ CHILDREN (syndicated)- Also off the air, this decadent sitcom never lost its ability to be outrageous and bawdy. Al Bundy and his 4 touchdowns in one game may not be the most cherished character in television history, but is definitely one of the most unforgettable. Christina Applegate is really purdy, and we get to see her grow up and mature into a fine ass piece of woman. Yum-my.

3.) FRASIER (Thursdays 9PM, NBC)- The two psychiatrist brothers with haughty accents and white collar tastes make this show one of the best on television, and the Emmys recognize this every year. Just watching these two brothers fussing over not wanting to wait in the stand-by line at an opera because it looks bad is riotous.

4.) THAT 70'S SHOW (Sundays 8:30PM, Fox)- Oh my goodness, I haven't laughed so hard at a ridiculous sitcom since, you guessed it, Married w/ Children. The goofy parody of the 70's seems dead on, yet it also makes you wonder what ever possessed Americans to wear bell bottoms with tight shirts. That foreign kid with the accent has some of the funniest lines I've ever heard.

5.) UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER (Sundays 9PM, WB)- Two words. Nikki Cox. Oh my nut she is so fine. Those are real, baby. This is from the creators of Married W/ Children, and it retains the irreverent mischief of its predecessor. But it's not as well written. Don't worry, looking at Nikki Cox in a low cut mini-skirt is worth your 30 minutes. Awesome pairs of legs and breasts............. in a bucket of fried chicken (ha ha Rice, can't get me there).

DRAMAS
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1.) X-FILES (Sundays 9PM, Fox)- This is my favorite show of all time. I've watched it since Episode 1, and it's only gotten better and better. Each show promises a few scares and thrills, and the sexual tension between agents Mulder and Scully somehow makes this show even better. Althought primarily about exterrestrials and UFOs, there are also shows devoted to the paranormal such as demons and haunted houses, which keeps the show fresh and entertaining. Just a tremendously fun one hour.

2.) DAWSON'S CREEK (Wednesdays 8PM, WB)- I'll have to admit, when Dawson's Creek first came out, I was among the skeptics who blasted the show due to its over-reliance on big vocabulary words and underaged sex. But as I watched it in its second season, the show has grown on me and now I am sorry I missed the first season. The characters are easy to love, easy to hate, but the most alluring part of the show is that we, as teenagers (I am still technically a teen), can partially relate to what Dawson, Jen, Joey, Pacey, and Andy go through. Dawson's Creek actually illicited real emotion from me.

3.) HYPERION BAY (Monday 9PM, WB)- Another fine show from Warner Brothers, this show is unfairly getting low ratings. C'mon folks! Watch this show. You will definitely relate to it. It's about a high school outcast who makes it big as a computer company honcho, and brings the company back to his hometown to revive its economy. The way the show portrays the saying, Y"ou can never really go home again", is heart-wrenching. Dennis, the Bill Gates type computer nerd, has to face resentment from his older brother, the wrath of his former bully, plus the rigors of work. When you watch, notice how all the women are good looking. They're not supermodels, but they're pretty and cute. What a dream town.

4.) NYPD BLUE (Tuesdays 10PM, ABC)- I don't watch this show much, because it conflicts with my homework-doing time, but whenever I do watch, I find myself enjoying it a whole lot. Its gritty portrayal of a NYPD precinct seems realistic, like they're really cops going on the beat and doing investigations and interrogations. There are excellent performances from the whole cast. Kim Delaney looks really beautiful. I can't say cute or pretty, because she's attractive in a sophisticated kind of way.

_____And there you have it. Those are my favorite TV shows. I realize that I've left out quite a few popular programs, but that means the ones I did list really have a high place in my heart. Shows like FRIENDS and ER are good shows, but not good enough for me to recommend to you guys. I also left out shows that deserve at least an honorable mention, such as MARTIAL LAW, starring fatso kung fu star Sammo Hung. Just watching a portly fellow roundhouse people like a whirlybird is pure eye candy.