(By Gerry Wang)
MY KNOTT'S BERRY FARM HALLOWEEN HAUNT
by Gerry Wang
_____Last week, I went
to Knott's Berry Farm's 26th Annual Halloween Haunt. It
was October 16, to be exact. 15 days before the actual
Halloween, but you try getting tickets for dates close to
Halloween. It's damn near impossible. Plus the tickets
were freakin expensive. I got mine for $31 each, so that
wasn't too bad. This is my first time.
_____In case you don't
know, Halloween Haunt is Knott's annual event where they
open the park at night and fix it up to be real scary.
There's hardly lights, and there are people dressed as
monsters walking around and popping out of shadows
looking to scare the beejeezus outta you. And it sure
_____Let me recount
last Friday for you, and tell you about my experience.
Remember that I am male, and I went w/ female
counterparts, so the "acting macho" quotient
was definitely in play. So here is my account, of that
_____I leave for
Knott's after a fulfilling filet mignon dinner @ Black
Angus. I was stuffed like a hog, and I really just wanted
to go to sleep. But since I had tickets, I had no choice
but to make the drive to Knott's Halloween Haunt, the
prestigious annual event that is extremely popular among
the teenage masses. It's open from 7pm - 2am, so this is
the darkest part of the day. From Dusk Til' Dawn, baby.
_____I get to Knott's
and you can already see the traffic getting backed up.
There is a HUGE line of cars waiting to get parking. So
naturally I was road raged. Along the slow-paced line of
cars people looking for tickets ran up and down, hoping
to get a lucky ducat from a passenger. I briefly
considered scalping my tickets at an astronomical profit.
But I decided against it. Maybe next year, I thought to
_____So I finally get
parking, and it's under some tree on an unpaved field. So
it was very dusty and annoying. I glanced around to see
whom I would be sharing this frightful experience w/ me,
and I noticed there were huge quantities of mehicans and
niggaz. I thought to myself, Goddamn, I guess this is
part of the scary experience. Parking your car next to a
bunch of gangsta niggaz and cholos. Oh well. On to the
_____I enter through
puny gates, and I am promptly frisked for weapons. I'm
asked to empty out my pockets. Sadly, I had to put my
AK-47 assault rifle in their weapon storing barrel, and I
would get it back later. I sure coulda used it on these
hordes of scary bastards.
_____My first exhibit
is called The Underground. I line up about 1-2 km (maybe
exaggerated) away. There are a ton of people. I can't
stop stressing that. While I'm in line, a couple of fat,
ugly bitches cut in front of us. I'm extremely annoyed.
But damn, I would sure be glad they were there. When we
finally get into The Underground, I am deafened by their
loud scary techno music. We immediately enter a narrow
winding maze-like complex. Inside it is very dark and
misty. BOOM monsters walk right at me and stare at me in
the face. I stifle a shriek. Unfortunately, the females
don't do me the same courtesy. I find that hilarious. So
we advance along the path, my party and the two
aforementioned bitches. The good thing about the couple
ahead of us is that they absorb the brunt of the scary
booby traps Knott's has set up for us. I can see what's
coming, so I don't get as scared. But damn, a hand
popping out of nowhere right at your face? That'll scare
anybody. A monster scurrying from behind a closed
curtain? That's freaky. I made it out of The Underground
alive. My clothes were a bit tattered from all the female
counterparts clinging on to me. Sounds kinky but it
_____My next ride was
Kingdom of the Dinosaurs. Not a haunted ride. Just nice
and slow and unscary. I like that. It also brought back
childhood memories. Good ol' days.
_____I then went to
Nightmare, which musta been the scariest haunted event on
Knott's. There is a pulsing hearbeat, and inside it's
quite surreal. I'll always remember that room where then
monsters were chameleons, blended w/ the wall. The
lighting made them look invisible. Damn, I'm sure glad
they didn't pop out at me. Phew!
_____After Nightmare, I
forced everybody to go to Elvira's Halloween Special. If
you don't know who Elvira is, she's a big breasted
comedic personality who's kinda cross between Mrs.
Frankenstein and the bride of Dracula. In her Halloween
Special at Knott's, she does a stand up routine that's
focused on her ample cleavage. It was pretty good. Nice
breasts, nice dancers. Nice cushioned seats. I hated
waiting forever in line.
_____I can go on about
all the rides I went on, but I know you're getting bored.
I thank you for reading this far down. God bless. But the
essence of this article is to urge you to go to Knott's
Berry Farm's Halloween Haunt. Even though the monsters go
outta their way to only scare girls, it's quite fun. I
had a blast. I got all wet. I won stuffed animals. I
bought overpriced concessions. It's was great! I'll admit
I was a tad scared. If I went through those mazes alone,
I'd never make it out alive. Especially if I was the only
one there, and I had to get hit by every monster.
_____But it was fun,
fun, fun. The only bad parts are the overwhelming
population and the exorbitant ticket price. But once you
look past that, then you'll have an awesome time. I
guarantee it. And please, go w/ girls. They make it even
more fun. They scream at anything that pops out of the
bushes! And I bet so will you..........