Halloween Haunt
(By Gerry Wang)

Gerry Wang

_____Last week, I went to Knott's Berry Farm's 26th Annual Halloween Haunt. It was October 16, to be exact. 15 days before the actual Halloween, but you try getting tickets for dates close to Halloween. It's damn near impossible. Plus the tickets were freakin expensive. I got mine for $31 each, so that wasn't too bad. This is my first time.

_____In case you don't know, Halloween Haunt is Knott's annual event where they open the park at night and fix it up to be real scary. There's hardly lights, and there are people dressed as monsters walking around and popping out of shadows looking to scare the beejeezus outta you. And it sure works.

_____Let me recount last Friday for you, and tell you about my experience. Remember that I am male, and I went w/ female counterparts, so the "acting macho" quotient was definitely in play. So here is my account, of that fateful night.

_____I leave for Knott's after a fulfilling filet mignon dinner @ Black Angus. I was stuffed like a hog, and I really just wanted to go to sleep. But since I had tickets, I had no choice but to make the drive to Knott's Halloween Haunt, the prestigious annual event that is extremely popular among the teenage masses. It's open from 7pm - 2am, so this is the darkest part of the day. From Dusk Til' Dawn, baby.

_____I get to Knott's and you can already see the traffic getting backed up. There is a HUGE line of cars waiting to get parking. So naturally I was road raged. Along the slow-paced line of cars people looking for tickets ran up and down, hoping to get a lucky ducat from a passenger. I briefly considered scalping my tickets at an astronomical profit. But I decided against it. Maybe next year, I thought to myself.

_____So I finally get parking, and it's under some tree on an unpaved field. So it was very dusty and annoying. I glanced around to see whom I would be sharing this frightful experience w/ me, and I noticed there were huge quantities of mehicans and niggaz. I thought to myself, Goddamn, I guess this is part of the scary experience. Parking your car next to a bunch of gangsta niggaz and cholos. Oh well. On to the amusement park.

_____I enter through puny gates, and I am promptly frisked for weapons. I'm asked to empty out my pockets. Sadly, I had to put my AK-47 assault rifle in their weapon storing barrel, and I would get it back later. I sure coulda used it on these hordes of scary bastards.

_____My first exhibit is called The Underground. I line up about 1-2 km (maybe exaggerated) away. There are a ton of people. I can't stop stressing that. While I'm in line, a couple of fat, ugly bitches cut in front of us. I'm extremely annoyed. But damn, I would sure be glad they were there. When we finally get into The Underground, I am deafened by their loud scary techno music. We immediately enter a narrow winding maze-like complex. Inside it is very dark and misty. BOOM monsters walk right at me and stare at me in the face. I stifle a shriek. Unfortunately, the females don't do me the same courtesy. I find that hilarious. So we advance along the path, my party and the two aforementioned bitches. The good thing about the couple ahead of us is that they absorb the brunt of the scary booby traps Knott's has set up for us. I can see what's coming, so I don't get as scared. But damn, a hand popping out of nowhere right at your face? That'll scare anybody. A monster scurrying from behind a closed curtain? That's freaky. I made it out of The Underground alive. My clothes were a bit tattered from all the female counterparts clinging on to me. Sounds kinky but it wasn't.

_____My next ride was Kingdom of the Dinosaurs. Not a haunted ride. Just nice and slow and unscary. I like that. It also brought back childhood memories. Good ol' days.

_____I then went to Nightmare, which musta been the scariest haunted event on Knott's. There is a pulsing hearbeat, and inside it's quite surreal. I'll always remember that room where then monsters were chameleons, blended w/ the wall. The lighting made them look invisible. Damn, I'm sure glad they didn't pop out at me. Phew!

_____After Nightmare, I forced everybody to go to Elvira's Halloween Special. If you don't know who Elvira is, she's a big breasted comedic personality who's kinda cross between Mrs. Frankenstein and the bride of Dracula. In her Halloween Special at Knott's, she does a stand up routine that's focused on her ample cleavage. It was pretty good. Nice breasts, nice dancers. Nice cushioned seats. I hated waiting forever in line.

_____I can go on about all the rides I went on, but I know you're getting bored. I thank you for reading this far down. God bless. But the essence of this article is to urge you to go to Knott's Berry Farm's Halloween Haunt. Even though the monsters go outta their way to only scare girls, it's quite fun. I had a blast. I got all wet. I won stuffed animals. I bought overpriced concessions. It's was great! I'll admit I was a tad scared. If I went through those mazes alone, I'd never make it out alive. Especially if I was the only one there, and I had to get hit by every monster.

_____But it was fun, fun, fun. The only bad parts are the overwhelming population and the exorbitant ticket price. But once you look past that, then you'll have an awesome time. I guarantee it. And please, go w/ girls. They make it even more fun. They scream at anything that pops out of the bushes! And I bet so will you..........