APRIL FOOL'S DAY CONFESSION
by Gerry Wang

_____Well everybody, you can wear a Scarlet Letter "A" now. "A" standing for "ass," because me and Rice have made asses of you all! =) Just kidding. I was never banned from Rice World. C'mon, you all know that was a bit too Draconian. Rather, I chose the month of March as a month to take a vacation from Rice World writing because I was getting bogged down by a lot of school work, plus a week of finals, and then I'd have Spring Break, where I couldn't write articles anyway. I was also a little peeved that I never saw any real, significant postings in the message board. I wondered if only zombies surfed the net and read Rice World. So I decided to have a little fun and play a hoax on all the Rice World devotees. Plus it would inflate my own ego, so I win both ways. So, mean and Rice methodically formulated a plan to simulate the ousting of Gerry Wang and replace him with Grew, to the chagrin of the Rice Worlders. Let me outline it:

1.) I cuss like a madman, and Rice supposedly gets pissed. (I originally planned to orchestrate this ruse by myself, but realized it was impossible.)

2.) Rice bans me. But I resign. Har har.

3.) Grew comes in to replace me. He/she was originally supposed to be called Angry Grew, which, if you rearrange the letters, would spell Gerry Wang. But Rice nixes this idea due to its grammatical incorrectness.

4.) Grew writes an excellent article about HMOs. Actually, I cut and pasted that shit. Who gives a rat's ass about medicare? Only those f-ing immigrants and geezers.

5.) I gauge the public opinion by assuming the role of Crab Cakes. (I'm deeply, genuinely touched by the kind words everyone had in defending me. I love you guys.)

6.) Grew reveals his sexual orientation in his disco version of Star Wars. People most likely are exasperated, but I wouldn't know.

7.) I set up a poll that would supposedly ultimately determine my fate forever. This was a chance for the population to bring back their senior staff writer, I hoped it would cause people to frantically vote YES. Little do you guys know, I manipulated the poll so that it would result in a resounding NO vote. If you want to know how, I turned off IP and cookie-checking, then voted a zillion times, then reinstalled the restrictions. =) Hopefully, you people are appalled.

8.) The entire gag climaxes in a decree that Rice issues, saying that the "vote" will stand, and Gerry is banned. Throughout the universe, souls are crying. Yeah right, I wish. I'm hoping you guys are devastated.

9.) APRIL FOOL'S!!!!! Me and Rice confess our doing.

10.) I come back and resume the job I was doing, and everyone either has a good laugh, or starts making their own plans for a 187 on me and Rice to exact revenge. =)

_____But I want to reiterate that I was feeling bad when everyone jumped on Crab Cakes to defend Gerry. I was feeling so guilty that I almost wanted to call the whole thing off. But Rice, being the evil one, urged me to continue. J/k, it was me. =) So now I'm back, and I hope you guys enjoyed this month long ruse. I sure did.

P.S. Kansur! You better not have plagiarized anything I wrote! My lawyers are watching.

--Gerry